Dr. Carla Marie Manly—clinical psychologist, life fulfillment expert, and author—is based in Sonoma County, California. With a refreshingly direct and honest approach—plus a dose of humor—Dr. Manly enjoys supporting others in the ever-evolving journey of life with a clinical practice focusing on relationships and personal transformation.
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“Why am I feeling lonely.” It’s a common question that many of us are asking ourselves. In a world where there are more opportunities than ever to connect, it seems that more people are experiencing loneliness. Despite social media, groups, and apps built to spark connections, a recent poll shows that one in three Americans feel lonely every week. Given that “loneliness and isolation can increase the risk for individuals to develop mental health challenges in their lives, and lacking connection can increase the risk for premature death to levels comparable to smoking daily,” Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy has called for actions to be taken to urgently address this situation.
Dr. Carla Marie Manly helps her clients find authentic love in all of their relationships, from romantic to friendships. Yet, the first thing that she focuses on is cultivating self-love. From there, she guides her clients through the pillars of building a strong connection to help alleviate loneliness, find fulfillment, and transform their lives. If you’re wondering, “Why am I feeling lonely,” her advice will guide you to developing better and stronger connections in your lives.
America has a loneliness pandemic. In your opinion why is that?
In today’s busy, chaotic world, many people feel lonely and isolated. In the not-too-distant past, our culture was very connected and social in nature. Town hall gatherings, community meetings, and other “small town ways” allowed people to feel very connected to those around them. In the past 50 years, our culture has seen large shifts that have impacted the nuclear family, including the tendency to move away from family. As well, the connection to religion and religious activities—which once was a center of many communities—has decreased due to increased secularism.
In addition, our use of technological devices such as smartphones has fostered self-isolation; a decrease in much-needed face-to-face physical connection is a very important factor in the loneliness pandemic. Individuals may feel as if they have many friends online, but such friends—even if positive—are no replacement for face-to-face time. Working from home—although positive in many ways—can also foster a sense of isolation and depression given the lack of in-person connection. Although not all depression can be attributed to loneliness, there certainly is a large portion of depressive disorders that are caused by, or worsened by, feelings of isolation and loneliness.
What’s the difference between loneliness and being alone?
Feelings of loneliness arise from a sense of feeling disconnected from the self or others. Being alone is very different from loneliness in that you can be alone yet not feel at all lonely. As well, you can also be in a room filled with people yet feel deeply lonely. Some individuals thrive with a lot of “alone time” and do not feel lonely when by themselves. Those who are introverted tend to fall into this category. Many people—particularly those who are more extroverted— truly need either moderate or substantial amounts of time with others; when there is a deficit of connective time, those in this group will feel lonely.
How does loneliness impact our psychology and physiology?
The evolutionary theory of loneliness offers a helpful lens through which we can appreciate the impact loneliness has on our psychological and physical health. As naturally gregarious creates, we have an unconscious, primary drive to be connected to others for companionship and safety. When a person is deprived of this primary need for connection, their nervous system perceives the separation as a threat to survival. As a result of the perceived threat of being alone and separated from others, the body’s stress response—which creates elevated levels of cortisol and adrenaline—is triggered. The nervous system responds to the sense of threat by signaling the person that social connection is needed in order to survive. Seen through this evolutionary theory, loneliness is an unconscious, healthy signal that the individual is creating meaningful connection.
If the urge for social interaction is ignored or not met, the feelings of loneliness will persist and create a chronic state of stress that is harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically. Chronic loneliness—and the stress it creates—can lead to higher levels of inflammation in the body; this can lead to a greater risk of illnesses such as diabetes and heart disease.
How can we learn to love ourselves in a healthy way that can help mitigate loneliness?
We can learn to love ourselves by slowing down to pay attention to our emotional, mental, and physical needs. Our emotions are actually messengers that—if listened to mindfully—can help us notice and attend to our needs in healthy ways. It is the same with the messages from our bodies and minds that we often ignore. When we learn to mindfully attend to our emotional, mental, and physical signals—whether it’s a signal to rest, eat, or connect with others—we are experiencing one of the great acts of self-love.
All too often, we neglect ourselves to do what we believe we should or must do. When we ignore or turn away from the self, we ultimately feel lonely inside. It is not selfish to learn to love and care for the self; in fact, it’s quite the opposite of selfishness to engage in self-love. The more we learn to tune into the self, the more we are able to love ourselves and others well. This process of turning inward to reflect and connect with the self allows us to then turn outwards to connect with others in deeply meaningful, fulfilling ways.
Sadly, we often turn to “buying” or “doing” to fill an inner void or feelings of loneliness. However, when we “buy more” or “do more” to fill an internal void, that void will remain despite the temporary boost provided by whatever was purchased or done. As we learn to love ourselves, we are then less likely to feel lonely, because we tend to the true need that is present—whether it’s time alone, a connection with a best friend, or a craving for a group gathering.
What steps can we take to strengthen the relationships that we already have- co-workers, community, friends, family, etc.?
We live in a society that constantly gives us the message that “more is better.” However, when it comes to relationships, it’s healthier to have a few healthy, loving relationships than many relationships that don’t provide a true source of connection. We are best served by paring down our relationships—particularly those that don’t feel meaningful and healthy—and putting our energy into the relationships that feel connective and loving. As I note in my fourth book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, “Every healthy love relationship is built on a foundation of true friendship. Genuine friendships are built on seven pillars—investment, respect, honesty, kindness, compassion, wise acceptance, and shared vulnerabilities. When mutually fostered, these pillars create profound trust and safety.
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Imperfect love knows these truths: Intimate connections thrive when a deep, enduring friendship is consciously crafted and maintained as the bedrock of the relationship. The healthiest of genuine relationships do not expect perfection; they ask for conscientious, devoted efforts that support lasting friendship. In short, we can strengthen the relationships we already have by giving them mindful, caring attention. Spending focused time with those we care about—particularly time that is free of distractions—is one of the best ways to strengthen our relationships.
How can we make friends as an adult and cultivate meaningful relationships?
We can make friends as adults by being willing to move through our fears and reach out to engage with like-minded people. Many people feel isolated yet are fearful of reaching out to make need friendships due to a fear of rejection. The truth is that many people feel lonely, so those who have the courage to reach out are often doing a service to themselves and another person who is suffering from loneliness. It’s natural to feel a bit of trepidation when cultivating new meaningful relationships, but the upside is that it’s well worth the effort.
It’s important to think outside the box when it comes to creating opportunities to make new friends because happenstance social connections are often hard to come by. However, new connections with like-minded souls can be formed through community social clubs, hobby groups, spiritual/religious venues, and health-oriented forums. Although physical proximity and in-person connection are ideal for creating new friendships, technology does increase our options. Although technology has, in some ways, created distance and made it more difficult to form friendships, it can also be harnessed to foster connections. For example, you can form new friendships through online-based groups that allow meeting those with similar interests, such as walking, hiking, baking, crafting, or gardening.
Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy suggests that parks should be a part of the national strategy to alleviate loneliness. What role do parks play in combating loneliness?
Parks create a wonderful environment where people can congregate naturally. Whether eating lunch on a park bench, going for a walk, or sitting under a tree, parks provide an inviting natural environment for connecting with others. As well, unlike a formal social setting, parks have the added bonus of providing the mood-boosting benefits of nature. Those who suffer from loneliness often feel more enlivened and less lonely simply by absorbing the uplifting energy of a park setting. Those who have pets also find that they feel more connected to others when they take their pet for a walk in the park; strangers are often far more likely to chat when a pet opens the door to a casual conversation.
